Hello, anybody here ? If there is still people around caring, I hope you're doing fine by yourself. I'm sorry I'm not that active here anymore, but, you see, I think I'm finally getting why. I wanted to talk about that, cause... sometimes you just want to talk about stuff with people. For people that have learned to know me for the last few years... well there will be some pretty awkward revelations here, so if you're not comfortable with it, I won't blame you if you don't read it.
As you may have seen these last months, I don't draw that much these days. I'm kinda stuck, but in a weird kind of way. It's not that I don't actually draw, thing is I have rarely doodled that much than these last months. So why don't I post that much then ? Well, basically there's only one reason, and I will have to develop further so that you can get it : what I'm doing, what I create is boring. To death. That's a fact, not a way for me to attract some gratuitous sympathy for anybody reading. I'm actually convinced of what I'm actually saying, because I'm more and more bored of my own stuff. Drawing sucks more and more energy out of me each time I put myself in front of my screen, and it has become -since longer than you may think- an exhausting and frustrating experience, and I'm really wondering if it has any sense for me to continue to try that hard.
Note that I'm not in any state of depression right now. I've lived through that kind of state of mind for years, and I know how it is. It just empties you of everything inside you until there is nothing left of you. You feel like a wreck, incapable of doing anything of your life. You become poisonous for yourself and your friends and family. I'm not in that state of mind right now. What is going on is very different, more like a clear state of lucidity, and I feel it more like a turning point in my life than some kind of fatality.
Actually, life is going pretty well since a few years. My actual job as a security technician is getting actually pretty ok, is less tiresome than before, and people around me are really satisfied about my work, to the point where, after one year inside this company, people are already starting to talk about a career advancement. I've started to write since the beginning of the year and people around me that had a peek at it found that pretty cool -in French, sorry for all of you my english readers, but I'm not good enough in that language to try to translate my works. Well, everything is going well. But drawing is stagnating, at best, and I pass a lot of time on my notebooks and my pen tablet for... actually pretty much nothing ? Around 20 hours/week, I just doodle uninspired stuff, I have no idea of any project of any sort to work on, I just randomly doodle characters, cars, planes, still life... but it just goes nowhere.
And so on, I'm starting to wonder... Was I any good at it, to start with ? I'm continuing to draw as a hobbyist, but even like that... it only just brings me frustration, it eats a lot of time for nothing, and I got almost nothing to share with people. See, I just realized this page is dying right now, I didn't bring back my core membership for once in 6 years -just forgot- and I barely know what to respond to messages. I tried stuff, like the last journal entry to try to find ideas, energy to draw, but even like that, I couldn't. I'm sometimes thinking that my life would just go better if I stopped drawing definitely, but I just CAN'T resolve myself to stop. I've always doodled and scribbled stuff, and I cannot stop doing so. So what ?
Know that, around me, IRL, I have no one to talk about all of that. Sure, I got some French friends I made thanks to DA. But know that my family never gave a shit about what I do, and my closest friends I always had don't really care too -they're just not into it. In the everyday life, I'm just alone in my art. And it doesn't help your self reasoning about your creativity. Sure I could be more active on communities and stuff, but I'm older than what you may think, and I feel, at best, uncomfortable about talking on the internet with youngsters. It just feels awkward. My pen and paper creations are somehow made by the child in me, a child I want to keep alive inside, though he's less and less compatible with the world around me.
Well, that's already a big block of text for almost nothing. I don't expect much after that. I'm thinking about this page, and I guess that if I continue to post on DA, I will totally change what it is. I don't want to delete this account and create a new one, nor do I want to leave this place, cause it has been an anchor for me, maybe the only reason I continued drawing on a regular basis. Just thinking "I should post something soon" has always been a good motivation for me. But, yeah, I'll have to re-think my drawing in general, I'll have to find a way to continue creating stuff. But, more important than the rest, I'll have to find a way so that it stops being so... painful to create anything with my own fingers. So that it stops leeching my energy, leaving me with nothing but a bitter sensation of anger and frustration.
I just haven't found out yet how to do so.